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Bucket Of Music

Three years of grief over the loss of two people I dearly, dearly loved. They are gone, but my love for them remains. Days of grief meant days of sadness, and sudden onsets of tears. Any little thing could cause the creation of a new, growing pile of tissues. It seemed appropriate to pile them instead of throwing each one into the trash. The piling up of tears for those I have loved, and lost, should somehow be honored, just as I honor the memories of those for whom the tears were shed.

My grief has witnessed many empty boxes of tissue but by far the most difficult part of my grief has been the absence of music. My life has always been filled with music. Classical, Rock and Roll, Sinatra, Peruvian Flute; all disappeared from my life. When I would hear music, I would simply turn and walk away. Grief was in control and demanded silence.

Day by day I lived my new way of life, a tissue box nearby, learning to change and adjust in order to cope.

However, in the last few months, I had begun to allow myself to listen to holiday music, a little. Just enough to be polite in the company of others. Listening became a bit easier, and a little more frequent. Then it happened. A New Year's Eve Party. About 45 people gathered together all with one purpose: to bring in tomorrow.

The biggest tool in their bucket was, you guessed it, Music!

Music, the room was filled with the stuff. Filled with all of the old classics, sans the Peruvian flute. There was just no room for my mind to turn away, back to my grief. I began to dance. I began to laugh. I began to sing. Three hours of pure joy, trying to make up for three years of pure grief.

Walking home that night, a whole three houses away, and way past my bedtime, my body was tired but my spirit was soaring. When I climbed into bed that night the silence began to once again envelope me. But this time it was filled with sad, but sweet, memories of a husband who always danced with me and a mother who was the "belle of the ball" at her Dixieland jazz group.

Falling asleep that night my last thought was,

"Should I feel guilty for having so much fun?"

Awakening the following morning, my first thought was,

"Happy NEW Year Robin"

If you sing

your heart will sing with you.

If you can't sing

just make a joyful noise.

Your heart won't mind.

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04 gen
Valutazione 5 stelle su 5.

Thanks for putting words to feelings that all of us that have loved so deeply feel.

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03 gen
Valutazione 5 stelle su 5.

Thank you for sharing. I, too, have lost loved ones, shed the tears, but they are still in my heart and thoughts. Life is for the living, I’ve heard said, and our duty to enjoy it however we can, and that includes living with our memories while making even more.

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